Tag Archives: attraction

Date Me If You Can

The issue of reading women probably stems from this oxymoron: we’re sickeningly sweet to the ones we couldn’t care less about and stone-cold indifferent to the attractive ones.

In my life, this little fact has handicapped me from being approachable to the right guys. I’ll see an attractive person and immediately freeze. My eyes drop to the floor and I instinctively smile at my feet. Some would say I’m just shy, but even shy people look back up at the person of interest. Unfortunately, I’ve convinced myself that such a move would scream with blaring desperation “pick me, please pick me!” So I am unable to express openness or encourage an approach. No wonder guys have such a fear of being shot down. We look like disinterested monsters too full to consume the approaching victim. But hey! There’s always the chance we’ll kill you for fun and leave the rotting corpse in our wake. So how do guys read the signs?

It is not always the guy’s responsibility to interpret mysterious signs expressed by the female gender. Take me, for instance, I’ll run the opposite direction, zigzagging along the way to throw someone off my trail. . .if I like him, that is. That doesn’t build much confidence in a poor guy trying to pursue.

So, hopefully the following will help…

Here are some of the signs of interest:

First, she glances and smiles. Then, she gives a second glance… 3 seconds pass… she smiles again. Third time, …she smiles, …okay! It is time to approach. This girl is interested.

Here is when it is not up to the poor guy to read interest: if a girl glances, makes eye contact and looks away, never to look back. It’s her loss if the guy chooses not to risk rejection by approaching her.

Flip the scene: when we don’t like someone, we smile, we’re friendly, we joke, we laugh, and we act like they are the only person in the world. We’re comfortable, if not confident. We don’t worry about rejection or looking dumb in front of these guys. They get friend-zoned almost immediately, but we love hanging out with them. Insert every girl’s claim here: we want to marry our best friend. By this, it only means we want to get as comfortable with the one we’re attracted to as we are with the friend-zoned fellow.

There is nothing wrong with being nice to guys we’re not interested in, but it is immensely confusing to befriend all the ones we don’t like while giving icy glares to the ones we do.

Here’s something we girls can do: be friendly to the guys we want to approach us. Be open and welcoming. Guys don’t need us to take their hand and lead the relationship. They need some encouragement in the right direction. They are not mind readers or flawlessly confident men who haven’t a fear in the world. They are human, trying to navigate life.

For the guys: look for the signs of interest. If you are unsure but interested, go for it. Most of the time, we are gracious in our rejection. Don’t take it personal. It was a risk taken and a new direction to move in. This one didn’t work. Maybe the next one will.

We could all learn to be clearer with our communication, actions and intentions. We are friendly creatures, by default because we want to be accepted and liked. Unfortunately, it is easier for us to abuse our power with people who make us comfortable. That goes for both genders. We gladly accept the attention of a person regardless of our own disinterest in them. It makes us feel desirable and enables us a few back-up plans in case we can’t find someone better. The dilemma in that is, when a guy sees us with our “friend,” he regards us as taken and moves on. This inevitably works its dark magic on our esteem. Now, we wonder why the only guys we attract are the ones we don’t like. The simple truth is we’re afraid of the ones we like. We don’t want to show our vulnerable hearts to them. So we try to mask it, act tougher, show interest elsewhere in order to get his attention. If we could just learn to be ourselves— comfortable, friendly, and funny— with the right company, we might have the chance at a top-choice relationship. We wouldn’t feel the need to settle every time we’re single and alone. Fear is the partner of settling. Fear of being alone, being shunned by society, being an outcast or–God forbid–different! Another reason we settle is this, “Hey! If the guy I like sees me with someone else, he’ll know I’m desirable. He will try to win me over.” I’m pretty sure it’s every girl’s fantasy to be fought over by two great guys. “May the best man win!” This is our atrocious flesh rearing its ugly insecure head like a pimple on prom night. It’s a world of confusion with so simple a solution:

We need to be nice to the one we are actually interested in. Stop playing games. If the guy doesn’t have a chance, we should be decent and respectful and cut him loose. It only brings trouble to keep a hapless crusher attached. He deserves to be happy with someone who will like him in return.

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The Pretense of Perfection

There is a deep, innate desire in each of us for relationship. We want someone to share in our adventure. But so often, we dive into relationships with only pretense and fantasy as our basis. Not quite the foundation for a solid commitment, now is it? As the façade peels away, a dark, lurking creature stems forth. We see the real colors of our beloved. “Wait! He never used to blow up with such anger!” or, “She used to let me go out with the guys but now she’s suctioned to my shoulder and won’t let me out of her sight!” Was trust ever a part of the relationship? Before we step foot into a serious relationship, we should be able to trust, not only the other person, but God to lead the relationship. If He is not leading a relationship, it is not the right one.

I went shopping for shampoo one day. I liked the looks of a pretty gold bottle. The shampoo smelled really good, too. Score! The next day before work, I used my new shampoo. While blow-drying my hair, I noticed it felt a little greasy. I rationalized that it just needed to air dry a little more. I thought nothing of it and went on with my day. A few hours later, I looked like I had been without a shower for weeks. My hair was shining. It felt like someone poured olive oil all over my head. By the time I arrived at home, I was angry at my new shampoo. It was the nightmare of all shampoos and seemed to cause anything but a clean feeling. I reached for it, ready to throw it into the closest trash bin, when I scanned the label… finally. There it was, “X-treme Silk for African-American hair.” No wonder it turned my fine blonde hair into a mane of dripping oil. It was meant for gorgeous thick, coarse hair.

This whole concept works the same way in relationships. We see a good-looking guy and automatically picture a perfect personality and compatible fit in our world. Sometimes we jump head-first in a relationship. Later, we realize his personality just doesn’t mesh with ours and his interests complement ours like mayonnaise and jelly. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

However, that knowledge sure doesn’t make it easy when it comes to attraction. Every time I see a good-looking, possibly interesting guy, the wheels inevitably start to turn in my head, “Wonder what he’s like? Does he have a good personality, depth, humility?”

Case in point, a gorgeous guy works at a coffee shop I frequently visit. We’ve hardly spoken, but he sure is handsome. So here I am, with fluttering butterflies and shaky hands as I sip my grande, half-pump, triple-shot Caramel Macchiato. There’s a mystery that draws me in and a desire to dream up his potential personality. This is the moment so many are tempted to jump in with both feet, but I am patient and cautious. What if he’s psychotic? What if he likes to suck on his own toes while watching TV, sing out his order in the food court, or gallop through the grocery store? It would not be fair to him if I just gave the relationship a test-run all in the name of attraction. Dating shouldn’t be for the sake of physical attraction alone. A foundational friendship should be built first. I have walked into attraction with an eager attitude and friendly smile only to find an overboard suitor smothering me with serious promises and crazy plans involving white picket fences and tire swings for “our” children… we haven’t even held hands yet! We must hold a bit of that emotion back in the beginning. However we start a relationship, it will only build from there. When I start relationships at the ‘best friend’ level, I’m suffocated by their affection and need to be together all the time. Things need to start off slowly and at an acquaintance level first. It’s easier to grow into a friendship than to back out of a relationship.

It’s not like buying a skateboard or a new dress, or even a new car. Relationships are more equivalent to buying a house. We have to consider everything: the electric bills, water bills, trash bills, monthly grocery bills and this goes on for years, if not decades. It’s actually hard to even put it into those terms. The difference is relationships involve another person. It’s not just a choice we make for ourselves. God created all of us equal. He loves that other person just as much as He loves us and He wants the best for both people involved.

I may have an aspiration for companionship, but I refuse to fall prey to the weakness of lust and desperation! I can and will wait for that perfect fit! Something wild, dangerous, daring, and free! Someone made up of all the right ingredients. A little of this guy’s character, a little of that one’s humor, his leadership skills, and the right dash of that other guy’s rugged good looks! I’ve had some amazing friendships and some zealous crushes, but all the while, something in my heart always protests, “Wait!” Something deep within me senses, “There is something inexplicably more satisfying further down the road. I must wait for it!” The beauty of this journey is that I am learning right now, as a single woman, what Christ is supposed to mean to me. I must fall in love with Him first and foremost! I’m not ready for the chunk of muscular tissue and characteristically delicious ingredients that construct my Knight. I have not hit the spot in my path where another path forks into it. I’m still free-sailing with Jesus. And I’m excited! No one has crossed this ground before; it’s my trail. Christ knows what kind of journey will spark the passion inside of me. I want to discover treasures and fight battles as a single woman who does not pine away or wistfully peer beyond the horizon for a Prince and White Stallion. I want adventure, to see the unknown, conquer the intellectual world of education, breathe air only found at the highest peaks, sail through uncharted waters, cross jungle floors too dangerous for guides and tours! I want to LIVE! The potential He has created in me from the beginning of time is exponentially more marvelous than I could ever imagine! My desire is to strive with determination and tenacity. I want to persevere through thick and thin. I want to learn true commitment. I must learn this before I ever dare reach for that *human relationship* that is to mirror a commitment between Christ and his bride.


Test Drives & Motocross Riders

“Let’s take it for a test drive.” John was a good-looking, successful bachelor. He liked organization and perfection. He would not compromise on one particular issue. He fell in love with Janis, but wouldn’t marry her until they took the [sexual] test drive to prove their compatibility. Janis stood firm in her belief to wait until marriage. Inevitably, their great relationship dissipated since neither would compromise on this important issue. However, in many cases, women are duped into the test-drive pit-stop. They start dating a guy who is nice, independent, financially set, and virtually perfect… until he drops this line, “How will we know we’re a perfect fit unless we take the test drive?” It makes a little sense, but most women aren’t convinced and need more coaxing, so the next lines ensue, “It’s an important investment so I’m not willing to commit unless I know it works for me. Like buying a house, or a new car, I have to make sure everything is perfect.” So it’s a big investment for him, that’s understandable. Unlike his material investments, he’s not buying a woman. Unless, she’s in a country where dowries are set and brides are purchased. To be blunt, he can’t demand to test drive a human being.

We think it’s our responsibility to take care of these guys and keep them happy. At what expense though? Is it our own virtue? That is a line that should not be crossed. God will never ask us to give our purity away. Why should we listen to a guy when he asks or demands it?

I was enamored by a pro motocross rider named Jake. He was an adrenaline-junkie, manly to the max, ruggedly handsome good looks, and purebred bad boy. He ignited the rebel in me. The fire in his eyes was mesmerizing. There was a great allure to fall for this impossible relationship. It was easy to get sucked in with no commitments attached. We were extremely affectionate with each other, but my boundaries were as intact as an electric fence. I wouldn’t go beyond my comfort zone or into roll-around-the-floor-“wrestling”-territory. He was respectful, surprisingly. One day, we had a little conversation about my stance. He inquisitively asked, “So, you won’t sleep with anyone until you get married?” “Yes, that’s right.” “Why on earth would you do that? Don’t you want to practice and have a little fun first?” “I’ll have plenty of fun when I get married. Until then, I don’t need to go there.” He sputtered, “Well then, marry me! We can fix this right now!” I wish I could say I wasn’t flattered by his words. But he was something special. Still, I couldn’t imagine myself with him. I liked him, but would never tether myself to this tempestuous man. And truly, he was really just asking for the thing I wouldn’t give until the seal of matrimony. Guys are smart and some know exactly which manipulation tactic brings results. Some use the “test drive” theory, while others stride down the commitment tract under pretense in order to get what they want. We have to see past the users and abusers, the bad boys and the rebels. I’ve encountered the bad boys and had my heart flutter from the whirlwind of risk and danger. But as my heart grows softer toward Christ and the life He has for me, I find my attraction taste has changed. The bad boy, no matter how great looking his shell, does not appeal to me in the same manner. I wouldn’t marry him so why waste my attraction and affection on him? There is something beautiful about the heart of a man after God’s will. I want to be the kind of person I would look for in a relationship. If I chase after God and pursue His will above all, I will encounter like-minded guys. If we know this and keep pursuing the wrong relationships, our hearts will grow harder and colder toward purity. It is crucial to see the truth and turn from old patterns, especially when it comes to bad boys and the temptation to let our hair down in the presence of fleshly freedom.

The philosophy that we can play now and not pay later is a lie. There will always be consequences attached to games with the bad boys and test drives with the rebels.


Dark Coal To Shimmering Diamond

As important as it is to be attracted to our companion, it is equally important to be leery of the tantalizing lures of attraction. In almost every case where I liked a guy, something stood in the way of a relationship; whether age, religion, or marital status-all barriers I consider deal-breakers. But it is not easy to just turn off the switch of attraction. We have to be very careful of the emotions we allow into our daily thoughts and those with which we toy. An affair, pornography addiction, home-wrecker, and friends with benefits don’t just happen overnight.  The actions are dwelt upon in the mind and heart first. Attraction is only what we allow it to be. I won’t condemn attraction. I think it is important. But not all attraction is healthy and wholesome. We can’t just do whatever feels good. We can’t fall for just anyone our eyes deem worthy of our interest. Our emotions can have a voracious appetite for hapless victims. We must understand the importance of commitment and love so that we don’t allow our attractions to run wild and free for whomever they choose.

What do I do when he is dreamy AND eligible?

Many guys have made my heart skip a beat or two. I’ve learned the most exhilarating way of handling these feelings. Crushes don’t have to be disastrous cases with heart-wrenching endings. They can be fun and wholesome. When I have feelings for someone and catch myself thinking about him often, I have to heed caution: do I think about him more than I do about God? Am I more excited to spend time with him than I am with God? If the answer is yes then my heart is not in the right place. So I do the only thing my humanity can handle; I pray. Any time I start thinking about dreamy guy, I don’t fantasize or role play different scenarios in my head like a plot in a romance movie. Instead, I pray to God for the guy’s character to be strengthened, his future wife to be protected from impurity, his own heart to be protected from impurity, and his life to be a glorious example of God’s kind of man. The more I think of the guy, the more I pray for him. As I pray to the God of all creation, a shift takes place within my heart. It isn’t just giddy feelings when I think of the guy, now it’s excitement for his future. The extraordinary happens when God transforms so much of that crush into a true Christlike love. I am protective of the guy and want to even guard his heart from my own feelings. Any time thereafter when I’m interacting with him, I am mindful of what I say and do so that his heart is not manipulated into liking me. I learn to control the flirtation because I truly care about the guy and his best interest. If it is within God’s plan that the two of us are supposed to be together, it is going to be through a healthy foundation, not flirty actions and tons of teasing. I don’t want to manipulate my way into a relationship. As I’ve seen, those relationships usually don’t last and tend to result in turmoil and heart break.

Take this experiment for a spin. Try praying for your next crush every time you think of the person. Watch in amazement as God transforms a mere crush into pure and selfless love. It is invigorating. If and when the crush disintegrates, you will be so much freer not having experienced the freight train of emotions torturing your heart for the entirety of the crush.

When given the option of following my flighty emotions or my knowing spirit, I will choose spirit every time. I would much rather follow God’s truth in the matter than experience the heart ache of wrong choices due to frivolous feelings.


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