We say we want a man to “take charge and lead the relationship.” Yet, we are adamant against relational tyrants. This is all quite understandable. What might add a twist of confusion to the mix is when such a large clump of women end up with tyrants, control freaks, manipulators, and abusers. All the nice guys are left wondering, “What is wrong with me?” Well fellas, here is how this works.
The cocky, take-charge man that we all say we hate has some appeal to his manner of approaching relationships. He knows what he wants and he is confident in his pursuit. That type of guy realizes –at least, some of them do- they may fail. The relationship may go bust. However, that does not stop them or hinder their pursuit. From a girl’s perspective, we can spot insecurity a mile away. After all, many of us are hitched to it like a ball and chain. It is something we hate about ourselves. So, when we see it in a potential mate, we are practically ruthless in shutting that person down. We need someone who will balance us out. Be a rock when we’re a mess, be level-headed when we’re freaking out, and be an open ear when we are rambling a million words per minute.
The female gender is astutely critical. We most often criticize ourselves, but when that cup overflows, we look elsewhere for targets. I am not proud of this, nor do I justify the weakness. But, I do know that it happens. It’s our weakness. It can be an asset when we use the criticism to better ourselves. But when it is exercised to belittle our mate, compare ourselves to other women, or complain about features we cannot change, it isn’t being put to good use.
Here is how nice guys fit into the mix. “She would never go for a guy like me.” “If she really likes me, she’ll talk to me.” The nice guy can be so shy and passive that he doesn’t even ask a girl out. Sometimes, the “nice guy” stereotype comes with something else: insecurity, uncertainty, inability to take charge and lead.
My first love was one of those guys: so very nice… so very insecure. We were snowboarding buddies. I loved how daring he was on the slopes. I wished he would become more daring in our friendship, too. But, he was deathly shy and couldn’t seem to put one relational foot in front of the other. So, I grabbed his hand and lead the way. We liked each other that much I knew. One night, before departing ways he asked me what I was thinking. Being a silly little girl, I told him exactly what was on my mind. “I want to kiss you, but I don’t know how.” Yeah, that was a lie. I knew how. I just wanted him to lead this relationship, not me. Our young love sprouted and we kept seeing each other. But I was the leader. I instigated, I lead, I controlled the relationship, and I hated it. He would look at me, stand near me, tell every other guy not to go for me. But he himself could not make the moves. Miscommunication and lack of leadership on his part lead our relationship on a merry-go-round with no destination. It was a fun ride, but had little purpose. I regret how it all ended, but I wasn’t prepared to get down on one knee and propose to the guy. So I walked away. And like a typical romantic comedy, I wished and prayed he would stop me, come after me. He didn’t.
Sorry guys. This is just how it works. If you are nice, but can’t lead a relationship, things are going to crumble fast. One of two things might happen. Scenario A: it’s a sweet, but boring date and interest chokes with the first bite of food, can’t get resuscitated by dessert, and gets buried when the two say their goodbyes. It’s a hopeless cause. Scenario B: it is an opportunity for the woman to take charge for a bit. She’ll lead the relationship awhile until she grows bored or meets a confident leader who can make decisions and hold a conversation. They say nice guys finish last. Sometimes they do. And this is why. Women crave men with leadership abilities and confidence. Women will go for a confident man over a “nice guy” 99% of the time. The key is to become both.
Nice Guy, put yourself out there more. Take chances. You may fail thirty-seven times, but when it does work, it is worth it. Be confident in this: you are exactly who you are supposed to be. God created you a specific way. There is a type of girl who is madly wild about your character. So be confident, be bold. Don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself to say all the right things and ask all the right questions. We’re learning together. Just roll with it. If you make a mistake, shrug it off. Life is fun and relationships are incredible gifts from God. Treat every woman like you’d want your sister or future wife to be treated and you will leave every girl better off than before she knew you.
I respect a man who will put himself out there. I’m not talking about the creepy guy that accosts me in Wal-Mart ranting about my outer beauty. I’m talking about the budding friendship that clicks well. Most of the time, I’ll say yes to a date, especially if a friendly platform has been established first. There, that should be the hardest step covered. The actual date is the fun part. A plan is good. Questions are great. But stress is unnecessary. It seems like a lot of pressure, but there is only one thing you need to do on this date: be confident in yourself. Now, if the date doesn’t go well, so be it. Not every girl is the right fit. The confidence part is what you can control. If you are confident you will shine and exude a certain authenticity that is attractive. That is how you will have a good date, regardless of the outcome.